What about your friends: a girlfriend for every woman

Often times, I’ve encountered women who say they’d rather have male friends – implying that men are less apt to be biased in their judgments. In my opinion, men no matter their sexual preference, can not offer a good ol’ fashion girlfriend heart to heart and downright-fun-girlfriends-only shindig. There’s nothing better than having a woman on your side – someone who understands your chocolate cravings during that “time of the month,” can relate to your relationship ills or offer a listening ear when you’re having problems with your male supervisor.

I’ve lost a few friendships along the journey throughout my life, but as Tyler Perry’s Madea has so cleverly said in one of his plays, some folks are just leaves, passing in the wind. Currently, I have a very small circle of women friends; some of whom I’ve known for a very long time, some that I’ve reunited with since high school and others I met in recent years. Do we always agree? No. But that’s the beauty of friendships with girlfriends. You can argue today (assuming it wasn’t detrimental) and reconnect at a later time.


Although my circle is itty bitty, each of my friends offers a personable trait that helps us become better women, better friends and they always keep me on my toes kinda like the Golden Girls.

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You know you have a true girlfriend who’s worth keeping in the fold when she meets any of the following traits:

THE RIDE OF DIE FRIEND thelma-and-louise

She always has your back – she will don a ponytail and tennis shoes in a heartbeat as well as lather your face with Vaseline, in the event somebody or something “pops off.” Bail money is conveniently concealed underneath her mattress on the left side next to her loaded pistol.

madeaTRUTH HURTS FRIEND

She tells it like it is and doesn’t mind hurting your feelings, if it means getting you to focus on more important matters. She doesn’t hold punches but she’s hesitant to reach below the belt. She knows that telling you what you may not want to hear is probably what you need to hear.

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THE FORBES FRIEND

She’s successful and driven. You admire her and she motivates you to better manage your finances and your life. She’s probably the friend you call when you need bail money after an episode with your RIDE OR DIE FRIEND.

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HAPPY HOUR FRIEND

When you’re feeling low, she brings a ton of laughter followed by a number of good stiff drinks. And, she probably can drink you under the table. Both of you typically laugh your heads off while slurring your words. By the time you get home, you may not even remember the drama that led you to the bar in the first place.

last-holidayTHE WANDERLUST

This friend is an adventure-seeking individual. As a result of her love for new exploits, she pushes you to experience the fullness of life. You two travel together, swim under waterfalls and zipline across an expansive forest.

shirley-caesar“THE PLUG” FRIEND

She has the hookup on just about anything you need from weave bundles, concert tickets to designer purses. She knows somebody who knows somebody who can get you what you need.

With qualities like these, it’s nice to know that girlfriends can withstand the test of time and they come equipped with some pretty unique perks making it darn difficult for a male friend to compare. Getting rid of the idea of a female friend, #ibedamned.

If I missed a girlfriend-worthy attribute, please share it with me in the comments section.

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Uninvited Guest

You showed up uninvited. You’re not welcomed here. And, bullying me is not going to solve anything.

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We met one random day long ago. By the way, I never remember your birthday. Your mere presence has always been…underwhelming. Since you were birthed, it wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, it felt like shattered dreams; a nightmare even. However, folks told me, to “get over it” and embrace you. Mom and Dad told me to love you. “I. hate. you,” I often whispered under my breath. You came into my life when things were just starting to really blossom; I was a college graduate, secured my first place and my first real job. And, then you arrived; a bundle of confusion. Even now that you’re starting to “mature,” you’re still aggravating and yep, your presence still fails to impress me.

2466907728_6574769d5e_mAt any given moment, you’re never too far behind; always peeking and putting your nose in places it has no business. I pretend not to notice you but you’re irksome. I wish you’d just go away. I admit I’m unyielding in my disdain against you. Some think I’m a bit extreme. I’m just bold enough to say it aloud.

Foolish me to think we could coexist and share a common space. I tried to look at the good in you, but I couldn’t get over the fact that we were so very different. I’d say young, you’d say old. I’d say dark, you’d say light. You always wanted to be the center of attention. Nevermind that I had the winning personality and yes, the oh-so-good looks. But, you’d do anything to spoil my fun.

You’re the one rotten apple that spoiled the bunch, the thorn in my cerebrum, the albatross around my follicle. Single gray hair, you’re the uninvited guest I wish had never RSVP’d. Single gray hair plus one…plus two…plus plenty.

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#ibedamned

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Facebook Phobia: Online Disorders

I think, even Mark Zuckerberg didn’t see this coming. –KeenVision

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Can we agree that Facebook has gotten just a little out of hand? I think, even Mark Zuckerberg didn’t see this coming. The majority of subscribers desperately need counseling, therapy, a vacation, a hug…Jesus. And, while I don’t have the credentials to give a certified assessment, I can provide my own dime-store evaluation of the types of social media posters out there. We all know someone, if not ourselves, who is a serial “liker,” a low self-esteem poster or the “greatest parent in the world.” If you see yourself, don’t be offended. Take it as an advisory; it’s not just me; it’s how the rest of us feel about your posts.

The Selfie Queen/King

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This person identifies and is obsessed with one person; himself or herself. At any given moment or for any given reason, the Selfie Royal will break out the cell phone camera to take a self portrait.

  • “I feel pretty today.” *snap.
  • “Because I make cute duck lips.” *camera shot.
  • “I’m thinking about something.” *selfie shot to show the world that I’m a cute thinker.
  • “It’s a dreaded Monday. So what! Look at me.” *take a pic.
  • “I’m crying because I’m sad.” *use flash to show real tears

 The Think Like a Man, Dress Like a Woman

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Tyler Perry created his empire on cross dressing. And, for some reason, males all over the world love the idea of wearing women’s clothes for a quick laugh. By day, the testosterone is running high. But, by night, they will snatch up a wig, a dress and become as effeminate as Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner.

Greatest Parent in the World

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This mom or dad doesn’t allow friends to congratulate his/her efforts on a job well done. They’ve already beat them to the punch. If the child achieves an athletic feat, high marks in school, becomes a standout individual, then the parent takes credit and posts that he/she is the true star. Just because the child is a byproduct doesn’t mean the parent has to take center stage. This person is always giving himself/herself the proverbial pat on the back.

 

The I-Need-Professional-Therapy

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This individual is seeking love and attention in all the wrong places. And, that’s usually online. Seeking validation from multiple personalities; particularly some of whom could use some professional counseling services themselves, can be considered a big fat no-no. The I-Need-Professional-Therapy poster is always the “victim,” usually of a victim-less crime. He or she thinks everyone has a personal vendetta or just doesn’t like them. Symptoms often include memes and status updates that  leave the reader in a vague state of mind; the post typically doesn’t identify the problem or the cause of the issue.

The Serial Liker

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We’d like to think that every update we post is worth a “like,” but if the same person likes and agrees with everything you post, you may have a stalker.  The Serial Liker will travel back in time (not literally, of course) and “like” old posts or photos. One or two “likes” may be okay but more than that is likely signs of a crazy person.


The “Perfect” Couple

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The Perfect Couple may be annoying to some but often times, they’re also hiding a secret. Sometimes, we find that the happiest couple online is the saddest couple in reality. The following are just a few scenarios and many of you may have been witness to these events:

  • the wife cheats while the husband is away on business
  • the husband is a home husband (or unemployed) and cheats while the wife works and provides for the family
  • the husband is an abuser while the wife will never seek public help because the husband is the bread winner.

Just when you thought you were normal, then along came this blog. Well, #ibedamned. 😂

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The Evolution of Black Baptist Preachers

My intention was to write a comedy. But, it’s my hope that it doesn’t result in a comedy of errors.

Southern Baptist

Anytime you talk religion, folks are quick to label you blasphemous. However, they say imitation IS the highest form of flattery.

Growing up Southern Baptist is serious business. But, from my point of view, it has had many moments of hilarity. The pulpit is filled with high-esteemed ministers, preachers, pastors and evangelists.  If you’ve heard one style of preaching, it’s possible that you’ve heard them all. From deep, breathy exasperated sounds to filibustering rhetoric, there’s a trend in the Southern Baptist world. Not by scholarly research, but due to frequent Sunday visits to many churches in my lifetime, I’ve managed to compile their mannerisms into four trending categories.

The Affectionate One

Ushers are typically the first people you greet when walking into the building. When the Affectionate One is at the helm, find a seat and prepare to meet the entire church “body.” The Affectionate One is a preacher who turns the Sunday service into a party. Much of the sermon is geared to familiarizing oneself with a complete stranger. If you visit a mega church, attendance numbers are generally in the hundreds and thousands. And, meeting a stranger in those churches, is like throwing a stone in a crowd at Disney World. The Affectionate One even insists that you get a little touchy feely with the person next to you.

“Turn to your neighbor and give ’em a high five. Turn to your neighbor and give ’em a hug. Turn to your neighbor and say, I love you.”

Within just one hour, I’ve become more intimate with a random person than I have with my own neighbor, who I’ve lived next door to for the past five years. He and I have a great relationship, but we’re less inclined to bombard each other with unwanted affection.

The Filibuster

This type of preacher pauses after every two to three words and inserts random biblical jargon. It’s like listening [insert word] to a [insert word] skipping record. It’s worse than listening to a character from Clueless; a conversation that never seems to end, accompanied with the incessant use of “um, like, you know” running through the entire monologue of…nothingness.

“And, Moses encountered God…AMEN, at the burning bush…AMEN. You see God…AMEN, can come to us…AMEN…in mysterious forms…AMEN.”

What a crutch! Pause, rewind. Repeat?

The Heavy-Breathing Asthmatic

Unlike his name, this preacher may not be asthmatic. But, his sermon will definitely keep you on your toes and scare you to hold onto your cell phone; just in case, you must dial 9-1-1 for emergency services.  It can take you by surprise, if you’ve never heard the lowly, breathy growl. The Heavy-Breathing Asthmatic is similar to the Filibuster. In lieu of an obstructing phrase, the Asthmatic takes short yet frequent heavy, deep breaths between each fragmented sentence. This preacher tends to sweat profusely and keep a white towel or handkerchief nearby, for a more dramatic effect.

The Singer

Simply put, he’s a singer. Or at least, he thinks he is. This preacher sings an entire concert before the sermon is final. Often times, he recommends a song that the entire church can sing together, which consists of taking a 3:00 song and stretching it to 10 minutes. Following that song, he sings a solo. During the sermon, he sings a song that stirs the crowd into intense gyrations. And, at the end of the sermon, it’s two additional selections. This time, he invites the choir to sing. After all is said and sung, just head to the lobby and purchase his CD.

#ibedamned

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