Facebook Phobia: Online Disorders

I think, even Mark Zuckerberg didn’t see this coming. –KeenVision

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Can we agree that Facebook has gotten just a little out of hand? I think, even Mark Zuckerberg didn’t see this coming. The majority of subscribers desperately need counseling, therapy, a vacation, a hug…Jesus. And, while I don’t have the credentials to give a certified assessment, I can provide my own dime-store evaluation of the types of social media posters out there. We all know someone, if not ourselves, who is a serial “liker,” a low self-esteem poster or the “greatest parent in the world.” If you see yourself, don’t be offended. Take it as an advisory; it’s not just me; it’s how the rest of us feel about your posts.

The Selfie Queen/King

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This person identifies and is obsessed with one person; himself or herself. At any given moment or for any given reason, the Selfie Royal will break out the cell phone camera to take a self portrait.

  • “I feel pretty today.” *snap.
  • “Because I make cute duck lips.” *camera shot.
  • “I’m thinking about something.” *selfie shot to show the world that I’m a cute thinker.
  • “It’s a dreaded Monday. So what! Look at me.” *take a pic.
  • “I’m crying because I’m sad.” *use flash to show real tears

 The Think Like a Man, Dress Like a Woman

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Tyler Perry created his empire on cross dressing. And, for some reason, males all over the world love the idea of wearing women’s clothes for a quick laugh. By day, the testosterone is running high. But, by night, they will snatch up a wig, a dress and become as effeminate as Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner.

Greatest Parent in the World

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This mom or dad doesn’t allow friends to congratulate his/her efforts on a job well done. They’ve already beat them to the punch. If the child achieves an athletic feat, high marks in school, becomes a standout individual, then the parent takes credit and posts that he/she is the true star. Just because the child is a byproduct doesn’t mean the parent has to take center stage. This person is always giving himself/herself the proverbial pat on the back.

 

The I-Need-Professional-Therapy

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This individual is seeking love and attention in all the wrong places. And, that’s usually online. Seeking validation from multiple personalities; particularly some of whom could use some professional counseling services themselves, can be considered a big fat no-no. The I-Need-Professional-Therapy poster is always the “victim,” usually of a victim-less crime. He or she thinks everyone has a personal vendetta or just doesn’t like them. Symptoms often include memes and status updates that  leave the reader in a vague state of mind; the post typically doesn’t identify the problem or the cause of the issue.

The Serial Liker

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We’d like to think that every update we post is worth a “like,” but if the same person likes and agrees with everything you post, you may have a stalker.  The Serial Liker will travel back in time (not literally, of course) and “like” old posts or photos. One or two “likes” may be okay but more than that is likely signs of a crazy person.


The “Perfect” Couple

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The Perfect Couple may be annoying to some but often times, they’re also hiding a secret. Sometimes, we find that the happiest couple online is the saddest couple in reality. The following are just a few scenarios and many of you may have been witness to these events:

  • the wife cheats while the husband is away on business
  • the husband is a home husband (or unemployed) and cheats while the wife works and provides for the family
  • the husband is an abuser while the wife will never seek public help because the husband is the bread winner.

Just when you thought you were normal, then along came this blog. Well, #ibedamned. 😂

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